Expectations (Video 5)

(narrator pronouns: she/her)
Topics: tradition, expectations, socialization, communication

This is a video by a trans young adult who uses she/her pronouns. This narrator describes her family as including her mother and brother, and engages with themes of tradition, expectations, socialization, and communication.

Below is general discussion guide with questions that apply to all videos, and a video-specific discussion guide with extra discussion questions specific to this video.

General Discussion Guide

Please take some time to reflect on your own after watching these videos before talking with others. Taking the time to sit with information that is new and/or linked with strong emotions can make it easier to express your feelings and ideas when talking with others.

Download General Discussion Guide

General

What was it like to watch this video?
What stood out to you about this video?

Emotions

How did you feel as you watched this video?
What are people in this video feeling?
- How do you know?
- Do you relate to some feelings more than others?

Relating to the Video

Where do you see your family in this video?
Where do you not see yourselves in this video? How is your family different from the family in the video?
Where do you see yourself in this video?
What sorts of conflict came up in this video (if any)?

What kind of internal conflict (within one person) was there?
What kind of interpersonal conflict (between people) was there?

Do you have similar experiences in your family?
What were some things that made members of this family happy?
Do you have similar experiences in your family?

Safety and Security

What are the sorts of feelings or ideas that you may want to communicate but feel scared to share?
How do you communicate love?
- How do you communicate fear, hurt, or anger?
- How do you communicate your boundaries?
When do you communicate love?
- When do you tend to communicate fear, hurt, or anger?
- When do you tend to communicate your boundaries?
Do you use symbols or special language to communicate?
- Is this for a specific reason?
What do your friends and family do that makes you feel safe?
What do your friends and family do that makes you feel understood?

Culture and Family History

What are each of you grateful for?
What are differences in the ways you and your family members have grown up?

What are your family members’ individual hardships?
Do these differences affect how you approach problems?

Are there parts of your family history that are really significant to each of you?

Support and Acceptance

What opportunities for supporting each other do you have when someone “comes out”?
What is important about having confidants (people with whom you can share personal or sensitive topics) in a family?
How can “silence” be a good and bad thing in conversations?
When do you need someone to listen, and when do you need them to give advice?

Gender Roles

How is gender demonstrated in the video? (examples might be: clothing, expression, the way folks talk, the roles that are assumed…)
- What are ways that you ‘do’ gender? (If you are interested in talking about this more, check out our External Resources.)
Are there ways that you express gender in your family?
What are your gendered roles? (For example, are there ‘boy’ chores and ‘girl’ chores?)
What are your gendered expectations of one another? (For example, do you expect different things from your mother, father, parent, son, daughter, child, brother, sister, or sibling?)

Transitioning

Do you see gender affirmation (or “transitioning”) as a family process? In other words, when one person transitions, does the whole family transition?

In what ways may this be true for your family?
In what ways may this not be true for your family?

What do gender-affirming (steps a transgender person may take toward their gender identity) …

Medical procedures (like chest surgeries or hormone therapies)
Experiences (like using a different bathroom or playing a different sport)
Processes (like using a new name or pronouns)

…mean to us in our family?

What was “coming out” like within your family?

Was this similar to what was anticipated?

What was “coming out” like outside your family?

Was this similar to what was anticipated?

Family Changes

What’s true at the beginning of the video vs. at the end of the video?

Did a situation change?
If a situation didn’t change, did a person’s response to a situation change?

What do you hope can change for this family (if anything)?
Are there similar changes you have seen or would like to see in your family?

Family Communication

When you hear something you do not agree with in your family, what happens next?
How do family members communicate curiosity or confusion?
Who is responsible for educating whom about topics related to gender?
What is a helpful and safe way to ask questions or provide clarification?
Where can family members access resources or be resources for each other?

Wrap-Up

What are you feeling after discussing this video?
What do you hope to take away from watching this video and talking about it with your family?

Video 5 Discussion Guide

Download Video 5 Discussion Guide

Emotions

How might this trans teen have felt when family expressed expectations for her to be more “like a man”?

[for cisgender family members] Gender expectations can be difficult even for cisgender people. Are there any expectations people have had for you based on your gender that you haven’t felt good about?

Relating to the Video

This teen mentions her mother and brother’s roles in reinforcing gendered expectations of her. How do we see this happening in our own family? In our communities (for example, school, workplace)?

Safety and Security

How does the narrator’s height provide or facilitate safety and security?
Are there any traits of ours that make us feel safe and secure?
Could these traits provide safety in one context but be unsafe in another?

Gender Roles

What significance did her height hold for the trans teen? Her family?
Are there pieces of gender expression that hold similar significance in our family
[For families with more than one child] The narrator mentions not just her mom but also her sibling as expecting her to fit into a gender role. Are there expectations that siblings have of each other in our family? How do we know?
What makes it easier or harder for us to talk to our siblings about the ways they affect us?

Sociocultural Context

The narrator refers to her mom as ‘traditional’. Sometimes, different generations or cultures have different gender traditions. Do we have multiple cultures in our family? If so, are the gender roles different in each culture?